death is a hard thing to understand
by stellaSMacked
Summary: stella will have to coup with something that will destory her, will she? my friend vanessa helped on some of the paragraphs. sorry McKenzie is 15 years old not 10:  cuz in my early chaps i said she was 10
1. Chapter 1

**Death to coup with**

Stella's POV

I heard a gunshot a I heard the worst scream of my life, because I knew that voice. It was the voice I heard every time he says I love you or when he says you are my life Stella, only you. I ran to where I heard it, I saw him lying there in his pool of blood. The perp was nowhere in site, but then I felt pressure to my neck. I knew he was behind me. I knew if I wanted to see my kids again I have to obey, but still I have to let my kid's father survive too. He told me to check on Mac, the father of my children, husband and partner, to see if he's still alive. I didn't hesitate, I ran straight or him.

Mac's POV

I saw Stella coming my way. She already had tears in her eyes. I wanted to tell her that everything will be alright, but I can't seem to let anything out of my mouth but a groan of pain. When she got closer I saw someone behind her pointing a gun. I wanted to get up and shoot him but I was out of energy. The last thing I remember is the birth of our first child.

Flashback

I see Stella rushing down towards me; her huge baby bump is showing from under her maternity dress. Stella is so stubborn that she wouldn't go on maternity leave, she wanted to stay close to me and work desk duty with a lot of food and bathroom breaks. That one day I saw her rushing towards me and I just knew it was time. This happened 10 years ago.

After 15 gruelling hours our daughter McKenzie Elizabeth Eleni Boyd Bonasera Taylor was born. We wanted her to have her own middle name while sharing ours and ours last names. That was her full name. We called her Mac Elizabeth Taylor. She looked so like her mother when she was born.

Flashback ends

Stella's POV

I saw Mac's eyes slowly close, and I knew he was gone. The last thing he said was tell our kids I love them. I started to cry, I buried my face in his neck. The perp grabbed my brown curly hair and pushed me against the wall and said, if you want to see your beautiful kids again then stay put. While he was saying that he was trying to kiss my neck. As usual I wouldn't let anyone else but Mac. The perp realized and so he knocked me out. I was dead to the world. He then ran away. By the time I came to it he was gone. I got up slowly and went to Mac's side. He was gone but I had to see him.

30 mins passed and my best friend Lindsay Monroe showed up. She didn't want to believe that her daughter's godfather/uncle and her boss/friend passed away.

Lindsay's POV

I saw Mac's body lying there. Stella was running towards me, her eyes were filled with tears and blood shot. By the looks of it she really needed comfort. We waited another 15 mins before all the paramedics got here. They carried Mac's body to our morgue so Sid or some other coroner can examine the body. Stella was sat in the ambulance getting her checked up, because of her encounter with the perp. She still had to find how to tell McKenzie, Sam, Brianna and her youngest daughter Emily. She was only 6 months old. My husband thankfully is all fours godfather. Poor Emily will not really know her real father.

Stella's POV

When I got to the office, I went straight to the day-care center to pick up Emily and Brianna. Brianna her full name is Brianna Daniella Eleni Boyd Bonasera Taylor. Me and Mac wanted to name her Daniella but somehow Lindsay said when she gets older her nickname will be Danny. Who would you mean? Danny Messer or Danny Taylor? So we changed to our second favourite name Brianna. It was supposed to be her middle name. Emily's full name is Emily Samantha Eleni Boyd Bonasera Taylor. She loves her father.

When I picked up Emily and Brianna we headed towards my office. Sam and McKenzie had school buses to send them here. As long I am waiting outside the lab at the foyer they would be able to get in no problem. McKenzie is a very helpful older sister. She helps me with the other 3. today however she acted really strange like as if she knew something was wrong. I brought them to my husband's office and sat them on the couch; Emily was on McKenzie's lap. I said: my beautiful children, your father will be home later, he is out right now. McKenzie somehow realized that I was lying to them and she brought me to the side and asked where is daddy? My throat was full of that lump feeling, at one hand I wanted to lie to McKenzie to protect her but on the other hand wanted to tell her the truth. So I chose to tell her the truth because I knew she would understand and softly let it on the others later. She went back to her seat and just spoke in a soft reassuring voice that nearly broke me to tears myself. McKenzie then came towards me and said that she wanted to, to say goodbye. She needed to. I brought McKenzie to Sid and she stood there looking at first then she began to speak.

McKenzie's POV

I stood in front of my father and started to say my goodbye. What I said I realized really infected my mother. I don't really know what I said but I can make out some of the key things. I said something about loving him and never going to forget all the time we spent together. Then I just started to cry and I remember distinctly my mother hugging me in her warm loving embrace. Then and there I realized it was not only me who was suffering from the loss of my father it was everyone who was close to him. Even Uncle Sid started to sob from all the things I said. And so we basically all stood there sobbing our hearts out and I will always keep a mental picture in my head of us. After I had cried my last tear I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes, they were red , puffy and swollen but I smiled at my mum and told her I was alright, deep in my mind I knew it wasn't important how I felt anymore because I needed to protect my 3 younger siblings from all this pain. I hugged my mum tightly and put on my cashmere jumper, the warmth helped and I helped me fight the sadness in my head, I had to make sure I wasn't going to burst into sobs, I pushed every last thought out of my head and imagined myself far away from my body, it was like I stuffed all my feelings into a box and pushed it far away. "I want to go now mum" I whispered under my breath, my mums face was very pale when I looked at her but she managed to smile "ok then, say goodbye one last time" I forced my head to turn into the direction of where my father lay and the image of him just lying there, helpless, pale, and dead burned into my head immediately. I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head, this is not possible, I thought over and over again. One cold tear trickled onto my cheek and landed on my dads face, I took his hand squeezed it and left the room. As soon as I got outside it was like all the cold had left my body and I looked out the window, the weather was beautiful and the sun was shining brightly. I looked into the sky trying to make sense and understand what had just happened, I am never going to process this I mumbled under my breath.

Stella's POV

I saw my daughter leave the room and I went after her and realized that she was staring out of the window facing where the twin towers once stood. My mind went straight to the point of when it happened. Me and Mac were in his old office at the old crime lab. We were talking about a case that just recently happened. I still remember it till this day. How can I forget? Nobody can forget that day. It was pretty early in the morning around 8:50. Then it happened, the first of the 2 planes that crashed, smashed right in the south tower. It all happened so fast. Mac was the first to react the image before us; I was still shocked and had my mouth hanging down. Once I got out of my initial shock I realized that Mac was starting to get to his car and driving straight towards the burning building. I shook that thought out my mind because I had to be with my children, they needed me, especially at a moment like this. McKenzie was looking at me this time and she had this worried expression on. She called me and started to ask me if I could handle with meeting the others. I told her yes and even not I have to because I can't just keep standing here and waiting to see what happens. I know for a fact that if we don't go back now they would come and find me themselves and I can't afford that.

Sid's POV

I saw them leave the morgue and I wished that I could have done something more. I still didn't want to believe that my boss Mac Taylor the marine had died, I always thought that he had a body of steel. I pulled the cover over his head and waited for the coroner to examine his body. I was not allowed to, I wish I was but that is against the laws of the lab. I bet Mac would want me to because I am sure he doesn't want any unfamiliar eyes pocking inside him.

Sam's POV

I am starting to get worried. I haven't talked to my mom and sister for almost 1 hour already. I headed out of my father's office and right when I turned around I saw my mom passed out on the floor. My sister was trying to let her come out of it but nothing seemed to work. She called to go and call for Uncle Sheldon. I ran down the hallway for what seemed like a million years before I reached his lab station. He was working on something but I didn't know what. I called him but nothing came out but a sob and I realized that this is really scaring me, first dad being gone forever and mom passing out. He realized that something must be wrong, and that's the only reason why I would call him because he is the doctor of the group who understood the human anatomy. I called again and this time I really started to cry. Uncle Sheldon really started to get worried so he picked me up and ran towards my father's office but before he got in he realized why I came to him in the first place. My mom was still passed out, he ran towards her to see if she was okay.

Sheldon's POV

I saw Stella lying there, unconscious. I told Sam to make sure Emily was okay when I went to check on his mother. All Sam did was resist he didn't want to leave his mother's side. So I told him to bring Emily over so you and McKenzie can watch over her together when I work on your mother. I dropped Sam off on the ground and ran towards Stella. I kneeled down beside her and checked her pulse. Good news is that she's still alive bad news is that she passed out from exhaustion. I picked her up and let her rest on the couch in her office. I told Lindsay to look after Stella's children at Stella's house. I said when she wakes up I will send her home.

Stella's POV

I woke up and the first thing I realized I wasn't in front of the window facing where the world trade center once stood. I was in my office on the couch and it was dark outside. I started to panicked because I couldn't see my kids anywhere. Sheldon came towards me and said to calm down. He said that the kids are already home with their Aunt Lindsay. They are save Stella. That was the only thing I could process clearly. He said he didn't want to pressure me anymore when I woke up, given all the stress from the loss of my husband and the stress of my little ones. It hurts me even more because my children looked so much alike with Mac. They all have his eyes. Those ocean blue eyes, when you look through them you can imagine your heart being taken to a better place. It was a image from him that I would never forget. I had to see my husband one last time before I left because once I stepped out of those doors I won't be coming back for 1 year to take care and settle in taking care of my 4 children on my own, but of course I will have part time so I can afford food and all the other necessities. Just that I won't be entering this office for a month so I can make sure my kids are safe when they are at home mourning with me. I went to the morgue and saw Mac, still lying there but with the sheet over him. I went towards him and I just keep hoping that this was all a nightmare but deep down I knew it was reality. That's what sucks, my whole life is full of bad luck. First it was when my mom was killed in that care accident when I was 2, then it was Frankie who tried to kill me, then it was Professor P who got shot and killed now it was Mac, but I can also protest. If my mom never was killed I would have never met Mac. If Frankie never tried to kill me Mac would have never realized that he had feelings for me, etc. I stood there uncovered Mac's face from the sheets and placed my warm hands on his cheeks and let my tears drop on his face. I couldn't hold it anymore. Then I stopped and I started to speak but my voice was hoarse from the crying. I said that Emily will grow up and know who her father is, I love you, but you shouldn't have left me because I don't know how to take care of them without you. I want you back but I understand you are in a better place now, but I know for you the best place is that you being with our children. I would have traded anything for you to be there for them, even if it was to sacrifice my life for yours but then again wouldn't be good for our children. I love you and it comes from all of us. I would have brought Emily to come see you but I don't want her last memory of you is that you lying on the slab in the morgue, I want her remember you laughing with her. I wish I can remember you like that but each time I think of you it brings me to the last moment that you were talking to me before you passed. Say hi to Claire for me. I turned around and started to cry again, the pain was too much to bear so I just stormed out of the morgue. By the time I stopped running I was on the streets. I just collapsed on the ground and curled up in a foetus position and crying till my eyes can no longer support anymore water. I knew I must have looked like a total buffoon lying on the street like that but I didn't care. I knew I couldn't be like this at home because I had to be strong for my children.

Sheldon's POV

I was behind Stella running after her, she turned a corner and once I caught up to her I saw her curled up on the ground crying. I knew how important Mac was to her. He helped her get over her fear of living alone again after the Frankie incident. I had to be very careful with Stella right now because she is at her very vulnerable state and she doesn't really show it that often. I went up to her and offered my hand to her, she didn't really notice until I gently tapped my hand on her shoulder. She raised her head towards me and handed her hand. I grabbed it and we walked to the garage of the crime lab and got I my car. We drover down to her house and I dared to ask her if she wanted to talk about it. Surprisingly she accepted my offer. She told me all the heart aches that she had to go alone with Mac and what they had to get through together. We spent there talking for an hour before I offered to send her to her front door of her apartment and she agreed. I guess she is at her weakest point and she really needed a friend.

Lindsay's POV

I heard the keys being inserted in the key hole and I knew Stella was home. She entered the room and I saw the sadness and the vulnerability from that usually strong determined women, I thought how can it be? She is the one person who usually helps us through the tough moments of our screwed up life. I realized then and there that the roles will be reversed for some time, especially when Mac and Stella knew each other for almost their whole life. They were always meant to be. Stella came to me and thanked me all that I have done to help her through this. I knew for what I've done so far was far from helpful because she done so much for me. I remembered that over 10 years ago I told Stella about my past, my friends being murdered right in front of me and I was the only survivor. She right then and there offered to be my friend when I asked her, she did not even hesitate, so it is my turn to return that favour and be her friend when she needs it and at this moment she really needed it. I brought Stella to her bathroom and get washed up and ready for bed. I would be staying for the night to take care of Emily and the others. I called my husband to tell him that I would not be home tonight. He understood why without me telling him the whole story again, which is why I love him so much.

McKenzie's POV

_I was on this wonderfully__ decorated field, very green grass with my favourite flowers. I heard my father calling for me and I turned around to see him right next to me. This time he looked really happy to see me, not like he never was happy to see me. He had a woman next to him holding his hand, she had blond wavy hand and she looked really happy too. From all the pictures that my father saved from before he married my mother, I knew this woman, she was Claire Conrad Taylor. My father's former wife, I waved my hand to her and she just disappeared. Then my father started to have this worried expression and I didn't understand. By the time I processed it was too late he was shot right in the heart. Left just how I saw him last at my mother's work. I screamed a piercing scream._

Wake up! My Aunt called to me, I realized then it was just a dream. I went straight to huge my Aunt and started to cry on her shoulder. After my cries resided she asked me what my dream was about. I told her everything and she offered to fall back to sleep with me. I knew she was trying to help me but like my mother I like to solve my own problems, but this time I would accept this offer because it was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me. After about an hour I was deep in sleep again. This time my dream was peaceful and ended the same way, this time though my ending was happy. I dreamed that this time instead of my father dying in front of me, I was able to save him, and I knew it was his way of telling me that even if you were there today nothing you've done could have saved me, but I can always satisfy you by allowing you to save me in your dream. Before the dream ended I let out a soft whisper saying daddy I love you. Without me knowing one lone tear rolled down my cheeks in my sleep.

TO BE CONTINUED….


	2. Chapter 2

Stella's POV

Lindsay brought me to my room after I got dressed in one of Mac's NYPD T-shirts. The length of the T-shirt ran down to my knees. The scent of him still lingers in our apartment. i went on my bed and Lindsay pulled the covers over me. Within seconds I was in a deep sleep. Each time when I closed my eyes it brought me to the point of when I knew it was the last moments of Mac's life, I bolted awake by screaming. Lindsay came rushing into my room, once she opened the light I realized that I was covered in my own sweat, Lindsay came running towards my bed and sat next to me.

Lindsay's POV

I went towards Stella and she just collapsed on my shoulder crying. I was afraid to ask her what happened because the last time I did she sort of snapped at me. When she stopped crying McKenzie came into the room and went to sit on Mac's side of the bed.

McKenzie's POV

I saw my mother at her very vulnerable state. She usually shows it in front of dad and us, never in front of her friends till now. We just sat there, everything was very quiet, I looked my mom in the eyes and we just knew what each of us was thinking. It was a bond we created years before. Then we just embraced each other in our arms before the cries of my little sister could be heard. Aunt Lindsay offered to go get her but I said I will. When I got to Emily's room I saw her and my heart just broke. I wanted to cry but I knew I had to be strong for everyone. I picked her up and she just started to cry even harder, I thought maybe she wanted my mother so I brought her to my mom's room. When my mother took Emily in her arms she still cried. My mother was getting a little worried because Emily wouldn't stop. I went into the living room to get a recording of my father and put in the DVD player. My Uncle Don recorded this when Emily was born. When my father's voice started to come in saying Emily is a keeper and she's a Greek American goddess. My mom said she's Athena. I put the volume pretty loud but not loud enough to wake Brianna and Sam up, just enough so Emily and my mother can hear it. When I saw my father smiling to the video recorder on the screen a tear was threatening to roll down my cheeks. I held the urge to cry and went back to m parent's room.

Stella's POV

I heard my husband's voice and I remember that day from when it all that happened. It seems like when someone you love dies everything that happened between the 2 of you is really vivid. I looked down on my daughter who was now fallen asleep again. I saw McKenzie come into my room and I understand what she did. She asked me if Emily was asleep or not and I said thank you my McKenzie, Emily is asleep. After about 3 more minutes McKenzie went out to the living room again, to shut off the DVD player.

The next morning came quickly and when everyone woke up I went to make myself a cup of coffee, McKenzie and the kids some omelettes with a glass of OJ. Emily was still not awake yet so I did not disturb her, for after the night she gone through. Lindsay woke up and came out of the guess room and she poured herself a cup of coffee. Me, Lindsay, Brianna, Sam and McKenzie just sat there in awkward silence before Lindsay's phone broke the tension that was building up.

Lindsay's POV

I went to go pick up my phone and saw the caller ID. It read Samantha Tanner's Mortuary. I picked up the phone and the lady said that the body can be ready for burial in around 3 days. I wondered why she called me and not Stella so I asked her. Samantha responded in saying that it was in his will, to call a Lindsay Monroe for conformation of funeral arrangements because he didn't want his wife to feel like its final the moment she has to prepare for the funeral. Lindsay froze at that part knowing that Mac loved Stella that much in letting her make it final when it actually came time to say bye. After I hung up the phone I went back to the kitchen and saw McKenzie and Stella talking together happily and I knew they were not mentioning the thing that hurts them the most, Mac.

Stella's POV

I was talking to my daughter about anything we thought of to get our minds off the fact that Mac is dead. Then McKenzie asked me a question that I never thought she would ask. She asked me how me and her father got together. I was reluctant at first to answer but I knew I had to. I told her me and your father first met when I became an CSI, he was married to Claire and after a while me and your father became best friends. Then when the world trade center fell and Claire died, I was there to help your father through the pain and that's when I first realized that I loved him. Years later I started to date a man called Frankie Mala, well lets just say things didn't go well. Your father found me one night in my apartment passed out. My then boyfriend became and ex. I had cuts and bruises caused by Frankie and I will forever have this pain inside me from that man. After I got out of the hospital your father grabbed me by the cheeks and kissed me passionately. Once we parted he offered me to live at his apartment till I was ready to step foot in my apartment and get my stuff to move to a different apartment. I accepted it, and that's how me and your father got together. Lindsay at that moment decided to make herself known.

Lindsay's POV

I walked in the kitchen with tears in my eyes. I knew Mac and Stella got together after her Frankie incident, but I never knew it was like that. I stood there in front of them and said that was a beautiful story Stella. It was more of a whisper. Then I couldn't be strong anymore and I just broke down. I cried like as if no one was around, all my pain that I was holding back came out at that point, the realization of Mac being dead hit me then. My heart was shattered. Stella came to me and hugged me tight in her motherly embrace, and I knew she was a great mother and friend. After a few minutes when I stopped crying I looked up at Stella and she still had that loving, strong, determined expression on. She was being strong for me, but it should be the other way round. I looked up to see McKenzie having a worried expression and I knew I scared her. Brianna, and Sam was already in their rooms by the time I stopped.

McKenzie's POV

I looked down at my Aunt and she looked so sad and that's when I decided to tell my mother the dream I had last night. I said mom I have something to tell you, last night when you heard me scream, I had a nightmare. I had a dream that I was at a beautiful grassy field and dad was there with Claire, then all of a sudden Claire was missing and dad was shot in the heart in front of me, mom I had a dream that dad died in front of me, in my arms. I can still remember his face, the pain it showed, the sadness he had for no being able to see me grow up. I wasn't trying to get attention from this. I said it because we all needed it. Then I continued saying that Aunt Lindsay brought me back to sleep and I had the same dream, but this time I saved dad. Mom that's when I realized that dad was trying to tell me no matter if I was there or not nothing would have changed, but I can at least make you happy for saving me in your dreams. My mom and Aunt looked at me and they had a tiny droplet of tears coming down their cheeks. They knew each other so well that they both said thank you, it means a lot.

Stella's POV

That night when I went to sleep, my dream was a peaceful one.

_I was on a mountain__ in Greece, facing the vast ocean. The sun was just starting to set. Mac was next to me, he was with Claire. He looked really happy, then he started to speak. He said Stell I you so damn much. I wish I was with you and the kids, but I am also happy her, watching over you for eternity. Give my love to Emily! See you my love._

With that my dream ended and it was my call to get Emily.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

MCKENZIE IS 15 IN THIS STORY. SORRY ALL THE OTHERS IS THE SAME AGE, I THOUGHT 10 WAS TOO YOUNG TO TAKE THAT MUCH RESPONSIBILITY. HOPE YOU ENJOY. JUST KEEP IN MIND FROM THE EALIER CHAPTERS TO KNOW THAT MCKENZIE IS ONLY 15.

McKenzie's POV

The last couple of days have been an utter nightmare, I didn't know how to handle my fathers and I still don't but at least I can grasp the concept a little tighter now. This morning I decided I have to go back to school there is no way I can be in that house anymore, its too depressing, mum creeps about the house tired and sad and I don't know how to deal with it so I told myself it was for the best to go back to school. When I got out of my bed this morning I took a deep breathe and looked in the mirror and opened my eyes my reflection stared at me like a ghost. The past couple of days have left their mark on me I thought and examined my way too pale skin; I can not under any circumstances go to school like this! I can not let my fellow classmates know how much it got to me after all high school is the survival of the fittest…and the toughest. The first thing that came to my mind was I needed a long steamy shower and it worked like a miracle! When I came back out my cheeks were flushed a rosy red and my eyes weren't as puffy and swollen anymore. I scraped my wet locks into a high ponytail and wore matching gold earrings, they brushed my cheek at every movement and I had gotten them the day of my father's death from my friend, I had been so happy but they seemed to have lost all their shine. I pulled over a knee length, thick, woollen, black jumper and slipped into some tight light blue jeans…ok maybe it wasn't the best outfit in the world but I didn't care, I was comfortable. I opened the door and walked down the stairs, even the air seemed to be grey in here, I saw my mum in the kitchen and wanted to walk towards her to comfort her but something stopped me. I don't know whether it was the way my mum had her face buried in her hands or the way she looked so completely helpless but I couldn't bring myself to walk another step, instead I turned on the heel and sped through the door.

The soft breeze cooled my face down and it felt comfortable as I sped down the street, running is the best medicine ever, I decided and besides it has an incredible advantage because now I can blame my red eyes on the wind not my tears.

When I got to school all my friends were heading in the building and I was just standing outside staring at it, trying to remember the last time that I stepped foot in it. I then put up my brave face before I entered the dark and depressing school that I once called a happy place with friends and awesome teachers.

When I got to my to my class all my classmates came rushing towards me including my teacher, they were all giving me sorry about what happened to your father. I couldn't stand it anymore. I came here in hoping I don't need to see my mother's depressing moods and hoping people will understand that I want some space.

Stella's POV

I was about to make myself a cup of coffee, but then I heard the door closing and I knew McKenzie went to school. I wasn't sure she was ready to go yet, because I am not even ready to face my friends/colleagues and my only family aside from the one me and Mac created. I was about to head back to my room to drain out the sorrow. Yesterday was Mac's funeral and we all hit hard when we heard what McKenzie said to everyone out there about Emily not knowing her father or how hard it would be on everyone. About three days before his funeral I remember me and McKenzie just talking together in the kitchen and it wasn't a sad comforting chat it was one of those mother daughter bonding chats. We threw away at that moment of what we were both thinking about and only thinking about pleasing the other in forgetting what we are fighting so we can stay sane. I guess after Mac's funeral it just hit me head on again, the pain, it feels like my heart is going to explode. My hair was a mess, curls' flying everywhere, my shirt is messy and it smells like I haven't taken a shower in 2 weeks. Although it was only a day ago.

I went to the bathroom that is in my room, once shared between me and Mac. I looked in the mirror and I saw my red puffy eyes and my pale face that was once full of colour. I looked like a ghost. I knew I still had to get ready for work or else Sinclair would kill me for not showing up, and I thought maybe work would get my mind of the fact that I lost someone that means a lot to me. I tried to hold back the tears when I thought about that but I just can't seem to do so. I went back into my room and lay on my bed and started to cry myself to sleep. I am happy that I got a wonderful friend that took in Emily to take care of her for a few days so I can start to wrap my head around this.

A few hours later I was awoken by a bang sound, I didn't know where it was coming from but I heard it was coming from outside my room. I opened my door and I saw Danny there with Flack, I knew they got worried that maybe something happened to me so they came rushing in, but what I don't get, why didn't Don use the spare key instead of kicking my door open. I went walking back into my room like as if all this never happened until I heard a barely audible sound coming from Danny, begging me to talk to him about what's going on. I refused because I knew I could handle it by myself and even if I can't I know I have wonderful friends who would keep me happy during the day when I am around them. Danny came, sitting next to me on the bed and asked me again but with a sterner tone. I didn't have any fight in me left so I told Danny how I am supposed to move on when I am so much in love with Mac. I can't, it's too hard. Then I started to cry on his shoulder before I felt myself collapsing on the bed and falling asleep once more. I knew all this crying is taking a lot of my energy away; I didn't care because all this is also in a way helping me.

McKenzie's POV

After a long and depressing day at school, all I wanted to do was head home and just collapse on my bed, talk to my father. Hoping he would hear me and talk to me again in my dreams. I started to walk down the road heading home and staring at the floor, seemingly like as if it would talk to me. all it did was wrap me in the thought about what I had to do when I got home, seeing my mother in that state is hurting me, everything inside me is telling me to just give up the fight to stay strong and give in the feeling of crying. I couldn't do that to my mother, seeing her hurt, I am sure it would be harder for her to see me hurt, even though she knows I am hurting in the inside.

I got in to my apartment, my mom was on her bed sleeping, and of course her routine these last few days was cry sleep, cry sleep. It was not a shocker. Seeing my mom sleeping like that makes me feel a little better because I don't have to see my mom's sad face staring right back at me, like usually during dinner. It was really peaceful watching my mom sleep. I headed to my room and gotten started on homework although all my teachers didn't give me a due date for the homework's like they did with my other classmates. I thought it was sort unfair for them because they had a set date when I can do it when ever I wanted to. I was getting a bit hungry so I thought about cooking dinner for all of us. I saw Sam watching TV with Brianna when I got home. It's glad that they understand to not wake mom up when she's sleeping.

I went to the kitchen to prepare dinner for me and my mother and siblings. I made our favourites because after these tough days I thought maybe we should eat something. I can tell for how thin my mom is getting that she hasn't eaten a lot when I am not home.

When dinner was served I went to my room to work on my homework and eat, I didn't want to be near my mom, not because she was bad or anything but because when I look at her all I see is pain and I don't know what I can do to fix it. I want to fix it so bad but she never gives me a chance. When ever I find a time it always seems the wrong moment.

Stella's POV

I was sitting in the dinning room eating my wonderfully cooked dinner that my daughter made, although I was starving I didn't eat that much. Seems that lately anything I do reminds me of Mac, eating, sleeping, talking, anything. I don't want this to control me but I also don't know how to move on. I mean I do but I don't know if I am ready to take that step yet. I wanted to let everyone know that I am okay but they can see through all the façade that I am hurting inside. Tomorrow I have to go to work I warned myself out loud, not knowing that McKenzie just heard me and thought that I am getting better, I was just ready to take that step in hoping it would get my mind off of Mac for a couple of hours. I still had my wedding ring on, the one with the diamond in the center and shaped beautifully as a heart. It has a slight pink kind of tint to it, placed on a perfectly round and sized gold ring. It was perfect. It looked like an engagement ring but it was actually a wedding ring. At the alter I remember teasing Mac saying what your going to propose to me again, coz you already done that, if you do it again I would still say yes by the way, because it's so much better like this. I laughed on that memory.

After I ate I dropped my dishes in the sink and slumped to my room and just dropped on my bed, hoping the tiredness of crying all day will bring me to a deep sleep, but it never did. I remained awake for over half of the night before actually going to sleep.

The next morning when I woke up McKenzie was already awake and getting ready for school. I decided too to get ready for work, so I went to the bathroom and get a decent shower. To let the cold droplets slide down my body and wash away all the pain, hopefully. It never did. I was at a loss because I have to go to work with the pain carrying around with me. Damn, every one of my friends will catch that façade of mine. I got out of the shower and I looked a lot better than I did the night before. Life is hard now without him, but what I didn't know yet it was going to get a lot harder.

McKenzie's POV

I came out of my room and saw my mom all dressed for work and cooking breakfast, she looked stunning but I knew behind all that makeup there were tears that were shed and pain that is present, and still is. I went towards my mom and she gave me a sincere fake plastered smile, to try and lighten the mood. I brother and sister was still sleeping because they start a little later than most schools. I went to get my breakfast and sat at the table in the kitchen, my mom sat next to me and we started to chat before it was time for my mom to wake my brother and sister for getting ready for school. I went to my room and got dressed while there was a knock on the door. My mom went to get the door; I can hear it from my room that it was my aunt Lindsay. I can just make out a cry. It was Emily. Aunt Lindsay said she was an angel and she was a sweetheart, although she can sometimes have my mom and dad's stubbornness. I wanted to cry when Lindsay mentioned my father, I even heard her voice crack, I knew we are all still fighting the pain and not wanting to believe what just happened.

When I got ready to leave home my mom was ready to send me to school, since her office was only down the road from where my school was.

I arrived at the school and my mom gave me a kiss on the cheek before I headed in and face my friends and teacher once again giving me sorrys and hope you can feel better. I knew I can never feel the same way I used to, for after this my mom learned to be more careful at work because she didn't want us to go to foster care like she did when she was growing up, she said it was hell. I went to my homeroom and looked out the window and imagining I see my father at the parking lot. The more I look the more I can see his figure staring right back at me and laughing, then I see myself when I was younger, more like when I was 5 years old, me and my father was at central park and enjoying the view on his day off while my mother had to work a double shift. He bought me ice-cream and a lot of things my mom wouldn't have bought me to eat. She would say it's not healthy for you, plus you'll get fat. My father will always rebuttal back saying she's 5 Stell; this is what 5 years old eat. Then I would always get ice-cream, chocolate etc. my father was always there when we needed him. Then the memory faded and I was brought back in class where my teacher called my name. Mrs. Tanner asked me a question asking if I knew the answer of a question, and since I wasn't listening and was instead invested in my memory, I had no idea what my teacher asked.

Stella's POV

I arrived at the lab and everyone was busy working. I headed for Mac's office, on one side hoping when I open that door I will hear his voice and see him through the glass, but of course that will never happen. Lindsay came to me with a file and she said it is about some other person who will replace Mac. Who will probably become my second in command. His name is Justin Goodwin, he seem like a pretty good person, he was filling in for me when I was out on personal reasons. Through his picture he has light brown hair, green eyes, and a slight beard. I had to admit he was pretty handsome. I put the files on my new desk and went through Mac's drawers. There was a file in there that I've never seen; the folder that it was in never was the same we used in the lab. I took out the contents in the folder and I found a picture, a family picture when we were in the hospital when Emily was born. I was on my hospital bed while Mac was sitting beside me holding Emily in his strong arms. The others were huddled around the bed and Brianna wanted to be next to her older sister. I went to the break room to get a picture frame to put it in. I didn't think Mac would keep this picture with him always. When I got back Lindsay was in my office holding a little Lucy and a man who looked very similar to the man in the file that I saw earlier. Lindsay introduced me to him and I knew somehow replacing Mac on my first day back after what happened was not a good idea. I told the person that I would consider him working alongside me but I need to know if I could trust you, considering that we just had a man down the other day. After I said that I turned back and looked at the photograph of Mac and Me with the kids. Justin somehow caught the idea that the person we lost the other day was someone special to me so he didn't press any further; he just left and asked me to give him any updates when it came time. I nodded and went back doing some paperwork before I was going to head home for the day. When noon came around I packed up my stuff and headed for the elevators. It was not exactly a month since the death but I couldn't stay home and drain my sorrows on the only thing I can, which was to my pillow, in my room. I left to go home because after I started to work this early after what happened I promised my team that I will only work half day until I am ready again to work a full shift.

McKenzie's POV

I was still at school and just about to leave school and head for home when a friend of mine came up to me and asked if I wanted to go and hangout, I said sure no problem just let me drop off my stuff at home. Meet you at the normal spot. My friends can still see the pain that I am trying to hide away, main reasons is that the last few days I couldn't sleep well, I either had nightmares or I just couldn't fall asleep. I would always have dark circles under my eyes. On my way walking home a man walked up behind me and grabbed me by my long curly hair that is in a pony tail. He pushed me to a dark ally and started to beat me. I don't know how long or how much. By the second blow I was out cold. I would always come in and out of consciousness. When I do I would remember seeing 2 guys holding a gun at me. The last thing I remember was the gun being fired right at my right shoulder and left thigh. After that I was in excruciatingpain. I hoped someone will find me soon before I bled out to death, then I heard sirens and I can finally go to sleep, I was getting really dizzy.

Lindsay's POV

There was a call on the radio that someone heard a gunshot not far away from where McKenzie went to school. It was only a few blocks away from her school building. I hope it's not her, or anyone from her school, I also hope I get there in time to save the person who was shot. Depending on the fact the shooter did not shoot any vital organs and arteries, but there is always a possibility that the victim was only hurt at non-vital areas, lets just pray for that.

When I got to the scene I had the biggest shock of my life, my worst fears combined with worry. I ran to the passed out, bloody McKenzie and checked for a pulse. Thank goodness that she was still alive. I had to decide weather to tell Stella or not, in the end I made my decision, she had the right to know even if it's going to kill her. She is McKenzie's mother after all. If it was Lucy I would want to know.

I picked my I phone out of my pocket and dialed to too familiar number, it took Stella 3 rings for her to pick up.

Stella's POV

I got a call from Lindsay about 30 minutes before it was dinner at the Taylor household. I picked up the phone, rather annoyed. Lindsay started to ramble on the other side of the phone, something about a crime scene and that I had to be there right now. So I went to get y purse and left my building and headed for the scene that Lindsay said.

When I got there I was just about to go behind he yellow tape when I saw an ambulance, they were rolling a female victim, around 15 years of age, long dark brown curly hair with a little black, held together in a pony tale. The minute I saw her I knew it was McKenzie. My baby girl was a victim, how could this have happened? Why one bad thing after another? I was just about to run towards my girl when Lindsay came from behind and stopped me, I tried to fight the grasp on my shoulder but she held on tight. I wanted to see McKenzie, but all Lindsay could say to me is that you don't want to see your girl like that, it's not what a mother should see, even if you are used to seeing something like that every day on a daily basis, it doesn't compare to what you see as a mother for your own child. Lindsay then offered me a ride to the hospital and I couldn't refuse, what just leave my daughter while working on the crime scene and find whoever did this. No, that is what my team should be doing; I should be with my daughter.

When I got to the emergency room, it was hectic. Doctors running every which way, and nurses shouting across the room to get information on their patients that they have to take care of at night. I went to find a doctor Sanchez. When I found him I saw him working on somebody else. I wanted to pull him aside so much and force him to work on my daughter but that could be me killing a life, I couldn't do that. I then went to the family waiting room and waited for hours to get any information on McKenzie. During the whole time my mind would go back in memories to the time when none of this has happened. Mac getting killed and McKenzie getting victimized, I feel like a failed mother and wife, someone who can't even take good care of their family. I feel like a failure. I closed my eyes hoping to get some sleep but each time I would dream about Mac and me. We would be on this beach enjoying the sun with our kids, then I would see Mac getting shot right in front of me and the kids, and that's when I would normally bolt awake. This time I had the same dream but worse. I dreamed that I was with Mac and the kids at the beach enjoying the sun then someone came shooting at all of us, I could have prevented it but I wouldn't move. I tried to but I couldn't. The shots were becoming more quickly until it ended completely and everyone I know and love is dead. This time I woke up screaming.

Lindsay's POV

I heard Stella scream awake from her sleep and I knew she was having a nightmare, Lucy still does that. I can't imagine what Stella is going through, I wish I can be more of a help. The doctor then came out and said who here is Mrs. Taylor? Stella stood up and said she was.

Stella's POV

Sanchez led me to a corner, where there was more chairs but it was pretty much isolated, then he said Mrs. Taylor your daughter…..

TO BE CONTINUED…..


	4. Chapter 4

_Stella's POV_

_Sanchez led me to a corner, where there was more chairs but it was pretty much isolated, then he said Mrs. Taylor your daughter….._

STELLA'S POV:

The doctor said Mrs. Taylor your daughter is in recovery. The surgery was successful, though she might loose some feeling in her left side of her face, we successfully retrieved to bullet; the beating she took was serious. Other than that she would also suffer emotional trauma. The doctor then asked me if I wanted to see her. Of course I wanted to see my daughter. I followed Sanchez into a small room in the back where my daughter were, though when we got there Sanchez told me not to be alarmed with all the equipments attached to her. It is normal, I know that. I see victims in these positions all the time, some lucky to live and some not, I just hope my daughter is the lucky one.

When I went into her room, I saw all the wires and machines and I totally started to panic a little, it's not the same when you see your own daughter hanging on for dear life. I walked towards her bed and held her hand tightly in mine; it's like as if that is only my life line. I started to pray for her survival, whenever things start to have a bit of normalcy in my life, things just come crashing down. I knew I wouldn't leave her bed side until she wakes up, even if it is till next week, I would wait. I am not going to have another life slip right through my fingers; I am not going to go through something like that again. I keep thinking only if I was a better at clearing the place, maybe Mac would still be alive. Is it just survival guilt, or just plain normal guilt, or just grief playing tricks with my mind? I need answers.

I slept at the hospital last night and when I woke up McKenzie was still asleep, no surprise. Within an hour later her doctor came in and gave me an update on my daughter. The doctor told me that McKenzie was most likely going to wake up in a matter of hours but she would be in pain for some time, she would also be sore from the beating she took. Though with your daughter's medical health before the incident, I could honestly say she would make a full recovery. After that said I saw Doctor Sanchez walk out and went back to his rounds, while I sat there waiting from any changes on my daughter's condition.

By noon McKenzie was still not awake and the only thing that was on my mind was Mac. As I saw McKenzie, Mac's image came to my mind, his bloody, scared image. I waited another hour before the heart monitors started beeping rapidly and there was a deafening sound of cold blue room 445. I knew that was my daughter's room.

LINDSAY'S POV:

Around the afternoon I got a phone call from no other than Stella saying McKenzie was just moved to the ICU. She told me that McKenzie went into cardiac arrest. It took the doctors a few tries to get her back. I then raced to the hospital and waited with Stella.

I know she is panicking inside, but also hiding it very well. It's something she learned from her orphanage years, and the closing off is what she learned from Mac when he lost Claire. To my advantage I know how to bring a friend back to reality, she has to know all this is not her fault. It's all of ours for not protecting them well enough. Even so I do not weigh it on my shoulders for long.

STELLA'S POV:

I just sat at the chair next to McKenzie's bed, not moving and just staring at her. If she was awake she would have told me I was crazy. I don't know how long I stared at her and every time went by I started to see her eyes to slowly start to open. McKenzie is alive and waking up, she is coming back for me and now I know once her eyes is open, I would once again see the beautiful eyes that looks so much like Mac's. every time seeing those eyes calms me down some, knowing just maybe Mac lives within her through those eyes of hers.


End file.
